The Girl Who Got Away

Bride kidnapping is Kyrgyzstan’s saddest and most appalling tradition. And today I received the saddest and most appalling news since being in country.

To give you a thorough and unbiased background on bride kidnapping, I have included an excerpt from an article on bride kidnapping from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bride_kidnapping):

Ala kachuu

Despite its illegality, in many, primarily rural, areas bride kidnapping is still the accepted way of taking a wife. This act of ala kachuu (to take and flee) prevails to this day, despite modern social and moral standards. Women play an integral role in the process: the success of the kidnapping is dependant on her conduct while she is held hostage. If she truly does not wish to stay, she will not accept the family’s kind advances. She may tell them that she has a boyfriend, or impart to them that she is not a virgin, which still carries a major social stigma. Many of these women have boyfriends and participate in dating, which can make the experience all the more traumatic. A couple may court for many months, but another suitor could still kidnap the young woman, as she is unmarried. The question, “What would you do if you were kidnapped?” is asked of many Kyrgyz women in their late teens and early twenties. While this may not be their preferred method of becoming engaged, a majority of them, consensual or nonconsensual, do end up married in this way. Ala kachuu is a tradition that has endured to the present day in Central Asia and is integral to their society and culture.

Role of the family

The families of both the bride and the groom play large roles in these arranged marriages. The groom's family, primarily the menfolk, decide who they want to kidnap and take as the bride. Often, rather than selecting a particular young woman to kidnap, they select a house; that way they can still kidnap one of the sisters if the woman they desire is not home. Once at the home of the bride, they grab the woman and bring her back to the groom's house. The girl's family is usually also there, as they know about the kidnapping and encourage their loved one to accept the man as her husband and to stay with him. The woman can still leave the house, but her family usually does everything in their power to convince the girl to stay. The reason for this is that as women get older, they become less desirable. Therefore, the family has no idea if she will still be able to find a husband if she does not accept this man. Since young women are obedient to their parents in Central Asia, they will stay with the husband.

Since being in country, Sarah and I have become very familiar with the tradition of bride kidnapping. In fact, both sets of host-parents we’ve lived with were unions as a result of bride kidnapping. To be fair, not all bride kidnappings are first-time meetings against the will of the bride. Some men will bride kidnap their girlfriends at an arranged time and place just for tradition’s sake, and they usually continue on to have a normal relationship; however, majority of them occur with the woman unknowingly and unwillingly being pulled off the street and driven to the family’s house and pressured into marriage. It always puts a damper on my day when I show up to the university and ask the other students why I haven’t seen one of their classmates in class and they tell me she’s been bride kidnapped. Anyway, I’m rambling.

Today, a friend of ours who lives in a nearby village was telling us about a failed bride kidnapping. A 26-year old son of a local high school teacher attempted to bride kidnap a 17-year old recent high school graduate and former student of the suitor’s mother from the street in her village. She was able to keep her suitor at bay by refusing to go with him and showing him a picture of her boyfriend whom she intended to marry. The girl’s family also came to her rescue refusing to let her be taken. The suitor and his entourage finally conceded and returned home ashamed and embarrassed. This was two days ago.

Up to this point, I thought, the story was a success story. As our friend was telling the story, I was so happy for and proud of this girl who, with the support of her family, was able to stick-up for herself and remain in control of her own destiny while striking a blow to a misogynistic and feckless tradition. But my mood soon changed.

Our friend continued. The jilted suitor went home and told his family the news. Word quickly spread throughout the small village. The embarrassment of the suitor and his family grew with every new person who heard. So in order to save face, the mother of the suitor and former teacher of the girl began spreading rumors around the village that the girl wasn’t a virgin.

I was appalled, as were many of the others living in the village, that this woman would spread rumors, true or not, about a young girl, and her former student, who just hours before she wanted to take as her daughter-in-law. Even still, I thought it was an inspiring story of a young girl overcoming immense social pressure and standing up for her rights.

Our friend went home, but, unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of the story.

A few hours after she left, our friend sent a text message. “The girl who got away killed herself.”